If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
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Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?