@KattsDogma: If I owned a moving company, I'd call it 'Van Gogh.'
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@Reverend_Scott: *rubs magic lamp, genie appears* "You get 2 wishes." I wish I got 3 wishes. "Your wish is granted." Nice, nice. "You have 2 left."
@semple42: Don't think I won't spin around and French kiss you if you're standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
@Spaziotwat: I can finish The Times' crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
@joeyfullystated: Stranger man at the beach asked me, "Y'all got a boat?" I said we have three, but they're old Fisher-Price models. It took him a moment.