– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
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Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Merica.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.