If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
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the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”