I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
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Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
idk what this dog had been going through but same
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do