If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
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The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Breaking news:
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”