If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
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Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*