If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
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What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Oh the world we live in…
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Trumpy Cat
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.