@_davidlucas_: If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I'm really just testing your resolve.
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@david8hughes: To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You've made a powerful enemy.
@Crunk_Jews: [first day as Tour Guide in History Museum] "And if you look over here you'll see a lot more really old shit."
@ThaJawn: Hipster: Check out my mini.. Me: *snatches and eats Hipster:.. Bonsai tree Me: *swallows* It's alright for a veggie Hipster: Me: anymore?