If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
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My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I have two kinds of followers
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.