Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
You Might Also Like
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me