I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
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Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Love it! 👍😂
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
what kind of cook setting is this??
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*