If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
You Might Also Like
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.