If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
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[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad