If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
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I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Bless you
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.