25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
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Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
plums roundup
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.