If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
The sacred texts.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
*pronounces woah like Noah*
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge