If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
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Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.