you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
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You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”