It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
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Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ