If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
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Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
*serious situation*
My brain:
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.