I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
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I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.