@zachreinert03: If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they're probably blacked out and just won't remember I stole their car.
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@RdrJay47: [Calls Ex-Girlfriend] Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
@MunkMania: You know shit's getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.