If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
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Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise