If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
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Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.