If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
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You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
New favorite tiktok
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
jesus, what did this guy do
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Plant care tips