@bossybutfair: If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
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@TheCatWhisprer: Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
@qwertying: Airport Security: has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge, sir? Sir: How the hell am I supposed to answer that?
@AmberTozer: "Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you've been wearing the same outfit all week is you" - my fashion blog
@SirEvisiae: *pretends to throw ball* *dog runs to chase it* Ha, stupid dog. *dog keeps running, disappears over horizon* Um *dog tackles me from behind*