If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
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10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage