For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
paddle faster i hear baby shark
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.