If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
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Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon