If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
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*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I’ve had worse
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*