If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
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My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have