@designersays: If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I'm gonna stab you.
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@TheDailySchmuck: I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they're in their 20s and don't know what phones used to look like.
@TheTweetOfGod: The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine's Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.
@TimFederle: Why are pilots so honest? Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. "We're delayed because we're winning a safety award."
@eedrk: you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor