@designersays: If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I'm gonna stab you.
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@Mr_Kapowski: *wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant* *she storms out upset* *I follow* Outside: "DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!" *high 5*
@GreenEyedLoon: Shave legs ?? Bikini wax ?? Lose 10 lbs ?? Pluck eyebrows ?? Mani/pedi ?? Sexy panties ?? Ready for my big *date! *gynecologist
@chimneyspotter: *opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out* But that means [cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
@murrman5: since you're having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight "because of nausea?" no, because you're a gremlin