If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
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I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
The game has officially changed 😎
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Flowers bee like
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
That’s classic.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.