If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
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Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
and this one
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.