If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
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Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
It’s an epidemic…
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?