How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
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Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
me as a parent
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….