Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
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*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
My five year plan is a meteorite
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?