@pinupteacher: My boss is basically Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Deceitful, selfish, conniving, wears too much make up, is an octopus.

@primawesome: I'd give these pigeons some bread but they'd probably just spend it on drugs.

@EndhooS: [1st date, don't let her know you're a panda] "Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes* These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

@notsosupermom_: "Fake news," I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

@gerryhallcomedy: Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.