If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
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Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????