@underchilde: If I tell you I'm "breaking out the fine china," I just mean the expensive paper plates.
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@shutupmikeginn: I like watching documentaries about murderers because i know i'm doing better than every person in the movie.
@onion_an: Wife: Who is it? Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it's now illegal to fake throw a ball Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]