Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
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I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is