I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
You Might Also Like
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
See..?
.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord