Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
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Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.