If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
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I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
A game married people play.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I put the hot in psychotic.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.