@ShrinkMedia: If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
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@NotBachibawlz: I yelled at my wife "Your miniskirt is way too short!!" "Thats because its made for a woman" she replied "Now take it off & give it to me"
@mjkspeaks: Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
@noog: [outside eden] Adam: This isnt so bad Eve: Yea Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this [5 min later] Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
@bridger_w: "Then it's agreed. We'll meet back in this same place in 10 years." -Me to some dishes in my sink