@owlcity: If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.
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@DannyZuker: Because they need to bring young people to the church, insiders say the front runner for Pope is Seth MacFarlane.
@iwearaonesie: "Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away? Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Mom?
@Glynner85: The best part about having a muppet for a best friend is that when you're done singing songs, BOOM free oven mitt.