* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
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[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!