Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
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[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.