Oh boy, $150,000!
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I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.