If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
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(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
bias laundering edition
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄