“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
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ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Look at this
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Did I do this right
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
these two trucks have the same bed length
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.