If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
You Might Also Like
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Netflix and awkward silence?
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.