The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Oceanography is all about current events
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.