I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
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We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Guilty! 🤪
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I have a new favorite meme page