Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
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Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat